Terrible Xmas Songs, Part 2

I posted the following about two weeks ago:

Unfortunately, this year's pickins' are slim. I could only find a few bad Christmas releases and no truly god-awful, worse-than-Basic Instinct 2-Christmas songs. I was so depressed that I looked up the opening number of the 1989 Academy Awards. Thats the one produced by Alan Carr (who also produced the Village People Biopic Can't Stop the Music), universally hailed a colossal fiasco, and embarrassment beyond belief. It cheered me up. (Check it out here until the copyright lawyers notice and shut it down: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrLzdjKL4l4)

There comes a point in history when a pinnacle moment arrives, when one knows he is a witness to something that won't occur again. I imagine the apostles realized this when Christ ascended. Perhaps those who saw the fall of Rome realized history had occurred. My grandmother speaks of the end of World War II. Maybe those in 1969 realized it upon the first listen to Abbey Road with a ticket stub to Woodstock. The fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. The very early hours of November 5, 2008.

1999 was truly the banner year in the annals of bad Christmas song-dom. In that year, serial Christmas song offender Amy Grant offered up an entire Christmas album. This in and of itself would make me gleeful. Grant's truly excreble rendition of Jingle Bell Rock would only be exceeded if she sang a dirge in Latin. Which she does. Agnus Dei is the final song on A Christmas to Remember.

However, while A Christmas to Remember truly is terrible, its minor league compared to what came out that fall: The Young Messiah.

For those not in the know, "...George Frideric Handel's "Messiah" masterpiece gets a makeover for the 21st century in this innovative gala performance juiced up with splashes of rock 'n' roll, gospel and soul. Featured artists include Gladys Knight (singing "But Who May Abide"), Jeffrey Osborne ("How Beautiful Are the Feet"), Chaka Khan ("Thus Saith the Lord"), Roger Daltrey ("Come Unto Him") and Aidan Quinn (who reads "Imagine")."

That's right from the Netflix description. This is like putting speedos on Michelangelo's David. My God, this is akin to digitally inserting Pauly Shore into the "Take the cannolis" scene in The Godfather.

If you don't believe me when I write how bad this is, check out a clip for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9QjBgdtpe4&feature=related

Now look at how it is supposed to be done:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFQ0smOLnGs

Anyway, I've found one relatively bad Christmas song: James Taylor's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. I never liked that song much anyway, but it is definitely written to be sung with a piano by someone with a voice for Broadway, like Judy Garland or Ethel Merman.

Alan Jackson's I Only Want You For Christmas is terrible, but not in the pantheon of badness like Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmastime or We Wish You a Merry Christmas by Barry White. Its stupid and silly, but it never tries to be anything but that, so I'm disappointed.

Maybe I'll get lucky for Easter and the people who made Cats will issue St. Matthew's Passion played by Zamfir, but I doubt it.


I now realize I posted this too soon. Please listen to Jewel's Christmas release "joy," which includes a more than ample amount of yodeling.